“No man is an island entire of itself.” John Donne wrote this in 1624. Simon and Garfunkle sang this three and a half centuries later: “Hiding in my room, safe within my womb, I touch no one and no one touches me. I am a rock, I am an island. And a rock feels no pain; and an island never cries.” What one says explicitly, the other says implicitly. The message is the same: no one can live, and thrive, without intimacy and interpersonal connections. Social needs and connections are essential to the happiness and well-being of any person; in the fast-paced, high-pressure world, intimate connections are more important than ever before – but they are also more difficult to maintain. Why?
When we think of intimacy, we typically think of romantic relationships, but this close connection can exist in other relationships as well. Whether between a parent and child, siblings, friends, or other family members, intimacy provides us with the closeness, attachment, belonging, support, and love that we crave. And it is essential in our lives. Children who are able to enjoy close interpersonal connections have higher self-esteem and they are able to establish and maintain intimate relationships later in life. In contrast, those who do not have these types of relationships have lower self-esteem, and researchers have linked the lack of close friends to higher instances of depression.
We know relationships are important, but many of us are finding it more challenging to establish and maintain intimate connections. In her book, Alone Together, MIT professor Sherry Turkle argues that new technologies and increased connectivity may result in greater convenience but it is robbing us of valuable face-to-face contact that we need. It is Turkle’s assertion that as we move further into the digital world, we can interact with people without really paying attention. We can send a quick text rather than calling. We can update our status on Facebook instead telling friends news in person. On the other hand, we can connect with people across the world and keep in touch with those we wouldn’t otherwise.
Technology cannot be blamed for every intimacy woe. In fact, it can be very positive for relationships, particularly among people who are too shy or lack the confidence to initiate face-to-face connections. Social media can give them an in, help them break the ice, so to speak. More than 800 undergrads at the University of Michigan participated in a study on this topic, and researchers found that those students who used Facebook enjoyed more “social capital” than there non-Facebook counterparts, and that they reported higher levels of psychological wellbeing.
Digital media can be wonderful for those who would not otherwise get that type of contact, but what about those who do have access to family, friends, or partners? Professor Turkle talks of this with her story of Edna, an 82 year old great grandmother. While her 2 year old great-granddaughter was visiting, Edna was given a My Real Baby doll. She knows it is not alive, but yet, she can’t help but take care of it when it starts to fuss. Meanwhile, when her real 2 year old great-grandchild starts to fuss Edna takes no notice.
Why? Because human interactions and interpersonal connections are messy; they are never clear cut. You don’t always know what to expect. You have to deal with arguments, the chance of rejection, contrary opinions, fussing, and other emotions that are not neat and tidy. Turkle provides another example with Roxxxy, a robotic girlfriend. The people sought to alleviate loneliness with Roxxxy often avoided seeking out real relationships. Again, for the same reason: there is nothing messy about a robotic girlfriend. She doesn’t expect anything, and you don’t have to chance unpleasant emotions. But you also don’t chance real love, connection, intimacy, and reciprocity.
It is too easy to say that intimate relationships suffer because of technology. That’s not always true. Some studies find that they can strengthen relationships: when technology is used together, for instance, couples can increase their “intellectual intimacy.” When couples are separated, tools like Facebook and Skype provide that intimate contact, and when people lack the confidence to initiate face-to-face connections, they can begin online. But there is also a darker side. Technology can lead you towards people in the ether and away from your real live connections. It distracts, it sucks up time, it helps you avoid conflict, thereby never allowing real intimacy to develop.
Intimacy in the digital age presents its own set of challenges, but it can also present opportunities. Nothing can replace a real connection with a human – whether you are getting that connection and belonging online or off may not matter as much as simply relating to others.
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